holy shit! MAGA melts down over ‘woke Marxist pope’

boo fucking hoo, crybabies

May 09, 2025

the College of Cardinals must have been conclaving the shit out of their search for a new pope, ’cause it only took those honchos two days find their boy.

meet Robert Prevost. he’s an American, born in Chicago. he roots for the White Sox. he’s 69 years old, and he’ll be popin’ up a storm as Leo XIV.

oh wait, I almost left out the best part: he’s a WOKE MARXIST POPE.

it only took about five minutes for someone to find the new pope’s not-twitter feed — and MAGA is throwing a shit-fit because it turns out that Robert Prevost/Leo XIV is their worst nightmare: a religious leader who actually follows the teachings of Jesus.

“According to his X/Twitter feed (@drprevost), the newly selected pope trashed Trump, trashed Vance, trashed border enforcement, endorsed DREAMer-style illegal immigration, repeatedly praised and honored George Floyd, and endorsed a Democrat senator’s call for more gun control.”

the horror.

pour one out for the internet oddity who calls himself Catturd. he’s going through some things right now.

too bad, so sad.

here’s Donny Convict’s side-piece Laura Loopy, back with another hot take.

the diaper-fillers are not entirely wrong — the current top-most thing on Robert/Leo’s not-twitter feed is a retweet taking Donny Convict to task for disappearing Venezuelan migrants off the streets and fuckity-byeing them into a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag.

furniture molester/eyeliner model JD Vance now has the distinction of being called out for shithead behavior by two consecutive popes — which I believe is a world record.

hey, did you know that the selection of Robert Prevost was a calculated move by Big Catholic to install a globalist, woke Pope from the West ON PURPOSE?

it must be true, I read it on the internet.

WAKE THE FUCK UP, SHEEPLE.

I hope Robert/Leo was selected “on purpose.” how awesome would it be if he was a deliberate thumb-in-the-eye to Donny Convict — for being an all-around fuckwit antichrist, and also for posting all those stupid ‘look at me, I’m the pope’ memes.

MAGA didn’t sign up for any of this shit. they don’t want some commie rat bastard pope doling out woke-ass twaddle about compassion and human rights. they want a pope who follows the teachings of Republican Jesus — the dude who kept the fish and the loaf for himself, and told the needy to go fuck themselves.

here’s Pope Leo’s worst sin: he called Jesus the m-word.

you gotta love all the newly-minted theologians who jumped into the new pope’s mentions to popesplain Jesus to him.

make that theologians, historians and anthropoligists — because MAGA knows more about popery than all the popes.

calm the fuck down and get over yourselves, crybabies. listen, I’m playing Ava Maria for you on the world’s tiniest violin.

by the way, if any of you out there are tempted to post something like “does the new pope still have that new-pope smell,” please don’t. it’s a terrible, obvious joke. it’s the worst kind of low-hanging fruit — and I already did it, twelve years ago.

the selection of Pope Leo knocked the day’s other big story right out of the news. that’s actually a good thing, because it was a total nothingburger.

yesterday, Donny — desperate for a trade war victory to crow about — announced his first trade deal, with the UK.

it was indeed great news — except for the part where the US and the UK absolutely did not have a trade deal in place. what they had was an agreement to have a framework of a concept with which they would begin the negotiation process.

in other words, the announcement was a ginormous fucking bowl of hocus-pocus — but that didn’t stop the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media from hitting the ground running with misleading headlines.

there are really only three things you need to know about yesterday’s dog-and-pony show.

first, apparently every Oval Office event now has to begin with the Ritual Praising of Dear Leader.

Granny-Starvin’ Howard Lutnick: “I want to make this clear. this was the president’s deal. people think, ‘oh, that's not the way it works.’ if you got to sit next to him — I have the best dealmaker to my left. and if you don’t think that we take advantage of him calling the prime minister and getting that deal done, you don’t understand who’s the president. he’s the closer. he gets deals done that we could never get done, because he understands business, he understands deals. and that’s why we’re here today.”

where did I leave my barf bag?

second, slowdowns, layoffs and empty shelves are a good thing.

reporter: “but we’re seeing as a result that ports here in the US, the traffic has really slowed and now thousands of dockworkers and truck drivers are worried about their jobs.”

Donny: “that means we lose less money ... when you say it slowed down, that’s a good thing, not a bad thing.”

and lastly, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants evidently thinks toy-maker Mattel is a country — or some guy. or something.

“Mattel, I don’t know, I’m not sure. they also said— they’re the only country I’ve heard, they said, ‘well, we’re going to go counter. we’re going to try to go someplace else.’ that’s ok. let them go, and we’ll put a hundred percent tariff on his toys, and he won’t sell one toy in the United States.”

that’s right, America: YOU ONLY GET TWO DOLLS, AND NEITHER WILL BE A BARBIE.

here’s the other batshit thing that happened yesterday: Donny nominated America’s Tipsiest Fake TV Judge to be his Interim US Attorney in DC.

I can’t fucking even with these clowns.

Judge Box-Wine, it should be noted, is the 23rd Fox bobblehead to land a job in Donny’s administration.

today, let’s go out with a song. for no particular reason, here’s Tom Lehrer doing the Vatican Rag.

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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