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here comes the Hunter Biden investigation clusterfuck
just look at the guy, he's got to be guilty of something
Hunter Biden, the current president’s ne’er-do-well son, is a one-man international crime spree.
don’t believe me? just look at the evidence:
remember when Hunter Biden got caught running a scam university? oh wait, that wasn’t Hunter Biden, that was Donald Trump.
remember when Hunter Biden was ordered by a court to take a class in “how not to steal money from a charity” after getting caught doing exactly that? oh wait, that wasn't Hunter Biden, that was Ivanka, Individual-1 Junior, and the dumb one.
remember when classified documents were stolen and then out of clear blue sky, Bone Saw Arabia handed Hunter Biden two billion dollars? oh wait, that wasn't Hunter Biden, that was Jared Kushner.
look, Republicans are desperate for a win right now. Jim Jordan’s half-baked “twitter files” hearings blew right the fuck up into his big stupid bewildered face. Tucker Carlon’s deceptively-edited January 6 tapes flopped so hard that after just one broadcast, Old Tucks shoved them straight into the memory hole.
so now it’s time torment Hunter Biden because goddammit, just look at the guy. he’s seedy. he doesn’t shave every day. he’s got to be guilty of something.
piece of cake. fish in a barrel.
there’s just one problem.
actually there’s a second problem.
actually, there’s a third problem.
but DAMN THE TORPEDOES, FULL SPEED AHEAD. so get ready for another round of stupid show trials. another round of ill-informed Republicans waving their arms and yelling inane dipshittery at witnesses, hoping for a soundbite for that night’s Fox News. another round of Democrats who brought receipts skillfully skewering Republican hypocrisy.
you know the drill. you’ve seen this movie a dozen times. the ending never changes.
all that said, Hunter Biden has been under federal investigation by a Bill-Barr-appointed prosecutor for the last five years and while they haven’t found anything in all that time, it does seem like Hunter might have been playing fast and loose with his taxes, so bear in mind …
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