four good things that might actually happen in 2023

keep those fingers crossed

every indication is that 2023 will be every bit as big a clusterfuck as 2022 was, but there are four good things we can hope for.

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4. the Supreme Court might actually preserve democracy

last year, the Supreme Coury heard arguments in Moore v. Harper, which if the court rules in favor of, would in the worst case scenario allow any state legislature to throw out the results of an election and choose their own victor. on the face of it this seems like exactly like the kind of anti-democracy batshittery that our radical right Supreme Court would embrace. but during oral arguments, only Clarence Thomas (of course it would be Clarence Thomas) seemed enthusiastic about endorsing this idea. so who knows, sanity may prevail here.

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3. House Republicans might actually fuck themselves all to hell

tomorrow, the Republicans take over the House. and it’s going to be a technicolor shitshow. they’re going to fight among themselves. they’re going to beclown themselves over Hunter Biden’s imaginary laptop. they’re going to beclown themselves over Dr. Fauci. they’re going to make ludicrous criminal referrals, out of spite and revenge. and yes, they’re going to impeach Joe Biden. multiple times. the good news is that all of this bullshit will die in the Senate. the better news is that all this fucknuttery its exactly what repulsed voters in the 2022 midterms. so the Republican party might actually make things worse for themselves in 2024.

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2. Elon Musk might actually go broke

this one’s a long shot, but noted moron Elon Musk spent far too much for an unprofitable business and financed the deal with money he doesn’t have by borrowing heavily from Saudis and similarly disreputable people. since then, he’s made every wrong decision possible. as a result, advertisers ran screaming from Twitter, and Tesla stock lost 70% of its value in 2022. Elmo may enjoy lighting billions of dollars on fire, but the people who lent him those billions sure as fuck don’t. they’re going to want their money back, and if Elmo can’t turn his businesses around, he’s fuckder than fucked.

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1. Donald Trump might actually finally get fucking indicted

I know, he’s a lifelong serial criminal who has gotten away with crime after crime. I get it, it’s fucking maddening to watch. but it appears that the walls are finally closing in. Jack Smith, Merrick Garland, Fani Willis, Letitia James, Alvin Bragg. each one of these prosecutors has multiple solid reasons bring Donald Trump to justice. it seems inconceivable that the next 12 months will pass without at least one indictment. party at my house when it happens!