elderly rage-baby melts down because everybody’s so mean to Elon

you're going to prison if you don't buy a Tesla, commie!

Mar 12, 2025

Donny Convict is Big Super Mad at everybody right now. he’s mad at Canada. get off my land, you maple syrup hockey freaks. he’s mad at the universities. no more money for you commie-coddling elitists. he’s mad at the Associated Press. toe the Gulf of America line, you fake news fucks.

he’s mad at Europe. eat tariffs, shitheads. Gavin Newsom. smug handsome bastard. Volodymyr Zelensky. wear a fucking suit, beard-o.

Donny’s even mad at you. yes, you.

Donny’s mad at you because — by not buying one of the Space Nazi’s randomly-exploding cars — you’re breaking a law that Donny apparently just made up on the spot.

“But the Radical Left Lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott Tesla, one of the World’s great automakers.”

in case you missed it, Donny gets to invent whatever laws he wants — and by not buying a Tesla, you’re a “radical left lunatic” participating in an “illegal and collusive” boycott.

I gotta say, hallucinating a nonsensical law willy-nilly and demanding everyone kowtow to it is some prime ‘off with their heads!’ energy right there.

but let’s focus the second part, lower down in Donny’s crazypants post.

“I’m going to buy a brand new Tesla tomorrow morning as a show of confidence and support for Elon Musk, a truly great American.”

and sure enough, yesterday, American’s Infomercial Salesman-in-Chief shat all over the Hatch Act and hawked Teslas in the White House driveway.

“I bought for a very special young woman, do you know? I’m sure you’ve never heard of her. Kai. and she’s a great golfer. she puts the clubs in the back and I guess it’s a very safe deal. she loves it. and I actually bought one about a year ago, and she loves it and it’s very safe, very strong, heavy. it’s all steel, stainless steel. but the um cars themselves. so I have a lot of information. they put in a price. I want to make a good deal here. you know, I do notice this. they have one which is $35,000, which is pretty-low. what is that all about?”

Donny is referencing his granddaughter Kai, who is 17 — and evidently now has one of the Space Nazi’s butt-ugly Cybertrucks befouling her driveway. look, honey, you can put your golf clubs in the trunk. so innovative. no one’s ever seen anything like it.

why is Donny forcing this rolling joke of a car onto his granddaughter? hasn’t this young woman suffered enough? Don Jr is her dad.

I hope Kai lives in a place where it doesn’t snow, because Elon’s Folly is useless in winter.

Donny barely knows what the fuck he’s yammering about. he keeps checking his notes, and asking the Space Nazi for help.

good to see that Donny approaches selling cars the same way he approaches running a government — by doing none of the reading in advance, and just winging it.

does Donny even understand the concept of cars? it sure seems as if the Space Nazi has to explain it to him.

“it’s literally like a golf cart that goes really fast.”

oh my god, what a simpleton. even the Space Nazi understands that you have to talk to Donny as if he were a three-year-old. big car goes zoom!

so, Donny’s a car salesman now. I swear, if the next Democratic candidate fails to do a variation on this ad from the 1960 campaign, they’re really missing the fucking boat.

cars, board games — doesn’t matter. put a product in front of Donny and he’s raring to go.

hawking snake oil to the rubes is really Donny’s only marketable skill.

Donny also reiterated his promise to chuck into prison anyone who is mean to Elon.

reporter: “some say they should be labeled domestic terrorists.”
Donny: “I will do that. I’ll do that. I’m gonna stop ’em. because they’re harming a great American company.”

so, for those of you keeping score at home, using a fire extinguisher to bludgeon a cop and then smearing shit all over the walls of Congress is the act of a tourist blowing off steam.

but show up at a dealership with a sign that reads “boycott Tesla,” and you’re literally the enemy of the people.

Mad King Donny has a brand new bug up his ass. he’s super annoyed that much of our border with Canada is a straight line.

“when you take away that artificial line that looks like it was done by a ruler. and that’s what it was. some guy sat there years ago and [gestures with hands] they said ‘rah!’ when you take away that, [gestures with hands again] and you look at that beautiful formation of Canada and the United States, there is no place anywhere on— in the world that looks like that.”

of all the weird-ass fucking shit to fixate on. seriously, Donny’s been whining about evenness of the border for over two months now. it’s like he thinks that Canada somehow cheated, and put something over on us. he’s actually using it as a pretext to claim Canada doesn’t have a right to its own sovereignty — because the border’s a straight line.

it’s as if in his whacked-out mind, borders don’t count unless they’re squiggly.

I guess by that logic, Wyoming’s now fair game to be invaded by Montana or Idaho or any of the other states that border it.

come on, Wyoming’s just a fucking box. how lazy is that? talk about some map-maker going [gestures with hands] rah!

something must be done. we can’t have some simple square right the middle of our country. it’s embarrassing.

in fact, look at the whole western side of our country. it’s mostly just boxes.

it’s like the cartographers got plumb tuckered out from drawing all the squiggles around West Virginia and Indiana and Ohio — and then when they reached the middle of the country, they were like fuck it, enough of this shit, drew some straight lines, and broke for lunch.

here’s your hero of the day: the AP’s White House reporter.

after listening to White House Press Flack Karoline Leavitt lie her smug face off about how tariffs are ‘a tax cut for the American people’ — yup, she really said that — our guy reaches his breaking point.

“I’m sorry, have you ever paid a tariff? because I have. they don’t get charged on the foreign companies. they get charged on the importers.”

thank you!

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.