elderly golfer clownfucks his way out of another imaginary crisis

reality’s calling, Donny — pick up the phone

during Little Donny Convict’s first disastrous presidency, there was a specific scenario that we saw play out over and over.

step one: Donny would propose some ruinous policy, or make some fuckbrained pronouncement. Mexico’s going to pay for the wall! covid will disappear by Easter — like a miracle!

step two: Donny would get clocked upside the head by reality. Mexico basically told Donny to sit on it and twirl, and covid went on to kill over a million Americans. no matter, because —

step three: despite the vigorous head-clocking, Donny would nonetheless claim victory. he built the wall! (he didn’t.) he vanquished covid! (he didn’t.)

the final step in this kabuki dance would be when, upon hearing the great (imaginary) news of Dear Leader’s victory, his gaslighted cultists would spontaneously orgasm, and proclaim that a greater genius had never walked the face of the earth.

we saw this whole stupid dog-and-pony show play out again just this week.

first came the fuckbrained pronouncment. on Monday, out of the clear blue, Donny announced that Mexico (and Canada) suck — and he alone was going to settle their hash.

drugs! unstoppable caravans! open borders! oh my god, it’s a problem that only Donny can solve — by smacking a 25% tariff on Mexican (and Canadian) imports.

it’s a boneheaded and disastrous solution to an imaginary problem — because, as we never tire of pointing out, tariffs are a tax paid by the importer and passed on to you, the consumer.

nonetheless, 48 hours later came the declation of victory.

one phone call! problem solved! no more caravans! no more drugs! Dear Leader has done it again. you’re welcome, America.

Donny, of course, is completely glossing over the part where he got clocked upside the head by reality.

you’ll be shocked to hear that every word of Donny’s Truth Social post is a lie. Mexico’s President Sheinbaum agreed to no such thing — what she did tell Donny was that he was an ignorant pissant who was talking out of his ass.

this is from her written response to Donny’s tariff threat.

You may not be aware that Mexico has developed a comprehensive policy to assist migrants from different parts of the world who cross our territory en route to the southern border of the United States. As a result, and according to data from your country’s Customs and Border Protection (CBP), encounters at the Mexico-United States border have decreased by 75% between December 2023 and November 2024.

so, cool threat, fucknozzle — but border crossings have already plummeted over the last year, thanks to pressure from Sleepy Brandon.

if you don’t want to believe Mexico’s president, maybe you’ll believe The New York Times.

The buses rumble into town day and night, dumping migrants in a city many didn’t even know existed.

But instead of landing closer to the U.S. border, they are being hauled roughly 1,000 miles in the opposite direction — deep into southern Mexico in a shadowy program meant to appease the Biden administration and ship migrants far from the United States.

none of this matters to the cultists — they’re are already kabukying as fast as they can, amplyfying the lie.

Dear Leader, he’s so amazing. one phone call is all it took.

again, none of this shit actually happened.

oh, and fentanyl deaths, the thing that Donny pretends to care so much about? they’ve been plummeting, thanks to Biden Administration policies.

look for Donny to declare victory here, too — because glomming credit for the accomplishments of others is basically his whole business model.

Donny’s already taking credit for the Biden-engineered Israel-Lebanon ceasefire, despite not having one fucking thing to do with it.

and, sure enough, the cultists are thanking Donny for an accomplishment he had no part in achieving.

and speaking of Canada, they’re not taking Donny’s tariff threats lying down. they’re threatening to start their own trade war.

In Canada, a government official said Canada is preparing for every eventuality and has started thinking about what items to target with tariffs in retaliation. The official stressed no decision has been made. The person spoke on condition of anonymity as they were not authorized to speak publicly.

can’t wait for Donny to declare victory on this front.

maybe Dear Leader can claim to have cured cancer, too.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.