Donny Convict isn’t a corrupt piece of shit, and other Republican fairy tales

and The New York Times gives Dear Leader another free pass

in today’s episode of Bad Take Theater, we’re going to hear two from worthless Republicans and one dipshit New York Times reporter as they concoct fever-swamp fantasies about why Donny Convict’s blatant, in-your-face corruption isn’t actually corruption.

Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is the holder of the land speed record for Getting The Fuck Out of Here While Insurrectionists Are Insurrecting.

he’s also one of Donny’s chief apologists on Capitol Hill. his farcical explanation for why Dear Leader isn’t corrupt boils down to ‘what’s Donny need money for? he’s already got shitloads.’

Manu Raju: “what about this meme coin? when the price goes up, it helps his family.”

Josh Hawley: “well, listen. I think nobody believes that Donald Trump can be bought. I mean, what does Donald Trump need more money for.”

methinks Josh Hawley is trying to blow smoke up everyone’s ass.

let me put this in words simple enough to penetrate even the cultists’ thick skulls: Donny needs more money so he can win at having the most fucking money. it’s called greed. having ALL the money is the point.

for Donny Convict, no amount of anything is ever enough. that’s what being a profoundly damaged, bottomless swamp of need is all about.

there will never be sufficient money, power, or attention to fill the gaping hole where Donny’s soul is supposed to be. he’s fucking broken beyond repair — and now, the entire world must be made to suffer because of it.

let’s explore Josh’s ludicrous claim that ‘nobody believes Donny can be bought.’

here, watch this: everybody who knows Donny Convict can be bought, please raise your hand.

oh look, there’s the Emir of Qatar. he’s got his their hand up. he know Donny can be bought. it’s the whole reason he just handed him a vulgar flying bordello — and now Donny’s going down his list of demands, and checking them off one by one.

over there is the Saudi royal family. hands up, all of them. they’ve been lining Donny’s pockets for decades. they’ve been at the game so long that they already know Donny’s price: a bag of greaseburgers.

look who else has his hand up: Ahmed al-Sharaa, the president of Syria. all he had to do get Donny to drop sanctions was dangle the mere possibility of a Trump Tower in Damascus.

and that’s just in the last three days. so what the fuck are you gibbering about, Josh?

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let’s move on to the guy who has been voted Most Useless Republican for three years running.

Holy Mike Johnson’s bad take is that corruption isn’t corruption if it’s done right out in the open.

reporter: “Mr. Speaker, you were very critical of President Biden and his family’s foreign business dealings and supported impeachment hearings. are you equally concerned about President Trump’s family’s business dealings as well, especially due to the fact that he’s in a region now where his family has billions of dollars of investments in Doha, and Saudi Arabia, and the fact that he has a crypto business now, where he’s auctioned off access to the White House for the highest bidder?”

Holy Mike [after first lying about Biden and his family]: “whatever President Trump is doing is out in the open. they’re not trying to conceal anything.”

fuck Holy Mike for expecting us to swallow his shit-sandwich.

here’s where Mike’s ridiculous assertion falls apart: for Donny, being openly corrupt is part of the game — because fuck you, that’s why. getting right in your face and daring you to do something about it is what makes corruption fun.

Donny knows that he doesn’t have to hide anything he does — because who’s going to hold him accountable? Congress? fuhgetaboutit. the Department of Justice? oh please. Krazee Eyes Ka$h Patel and Pam Bondi were installed to facilitate Donny’s crimes, not prosecute them. the Supreme Court? don’t make me laugh. they’re the shitwads who put the whole concept of I’m A Very Special Boy into Donny’s head in the first place.

who knows, maybe Chuck Schumer’s writing a strongly-worded letter. yeah, that’ll do it.

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here’s something we have absolutely no fucking use for at all: a New York Times reporter explaining that corruption isn’t corruption according to a definition of corruption that he just pulled out of his ass.

“Corruption requires explicit quid pro quo. It is not corrupt to take an action that aligns with the interest of a person who gives you a gift, unless the official action was in direct response to that gift--a bribe. Terms matter. Accuracy and fairness matters. Regardless of what social media wants.”

got that? it’s not corruption unless Ahmed al-Sharaa writes a note that says ‘if I let you build a tower will you be my friend’ and passes it to the world leader at the next desk.

here’s why that definition fails:

Donny is a mob boss, and you’re never going to catch him in the act, because he doesn’t leave a paper trail.

that’s how it works. all the dirty work is done with a nod and a wink. here’s how Donny’s former fixer, Michael Cohen, explained it during House testimony in 2019:

“He doesn’t give you questions, he doesn’t give you orders,” Cohen said. “He speaks in a code, and I understand the code because I’ve been around him for a decade.”

Donny’s a two-bit gangster who learned his trade from two experts: his tyrant klansman father, and crooked lawyer Roy Cohn. here’s what they taught him:

don’t you ever fucking write anything down. that’s how you get caught.

and so Donny doesn’t write anything down. he doesn’t use email, he doesn’t text. he doesn’t leave a trail for smug NY Times reporters to uncover. all he does is brag about imaginary wins on his janky app.

that’s why we’re in this shithole mess: we have far too many worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media willing to give a filthy, corrupt mobster a benefit of the doubt that he has never earned.

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here’s your hero of the day: Rep. Bennie Thompson. here’s how he opened his questioning of ICE Barbie yesterday.

“Secretary Noem, I’m glad you found time among your many photo ops and costume changes to testify about why President Trump is seeking more taxpayer dollars and what you plan to do with that money, if you get it.”

fuck yeah.

Donny’s Sewer Clowns are unserious, unqualified people who have been given way too much power over our lives, and we must never stop mocking them, any way we can.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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