Donald Trump promises to “bring back cement” in latest crazy-as-shit speech

Donny was back to his old self last night

well, that didn’t last very long.

convicted felon Donald J. McUnitypants, the uniting uniter who every Republican swore was going to unite the living shit out of America, was back to his old self last night in Michigan.

Donny didn’t even bother with the fake-somber tone of his convention acceptance speech. from the git-go, Donny was loud, bombastic, angry, spiteful, grievance-fueled, vengeful, petulant and divisive. oh, and he was also batshit crazy as fuck.

buckle your seat belt, we’re going to take a deep dive into the insanity.

“from the moment we take back the White House from Crooked Joe Biden, Kamala — I call her ‘Laughing Kamala’ — ever watch her laugh? she’s crazy. you know, you can tell a lot by a laugh. she’s crazy. she’s nuts. she’s not as crazy as Nancy Pelosi, Crazy Nancy.”

I feel unified, don’t you? unified in my loathing for this demented criminal cult leader, that is.

hey, did you notice? the ear-diaper is gone.

it’s a miracle! the Good Lord Jesus sent an angel down from Heaven to magically hand-wave Dear Leader’s crippling ear-wound away.

oh by the way, there’s a brand-new imaginary problem that Donny is planning to solve once he’s back in the Oval Office.

“we’re going to bring back cement.”

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but cement is gone, because of all the woke.

seriously, where is this fever dream coming from? did some big, strong construction worker, blinded by the tears streaming down his cheeks, his enormous biceps rippling in the afternoon sun, come up to Donny and say sir! sir! the marxists have taken all the cement! please, sir! you’re the only one who can help!

I can’t wait for Donny’s new plan to bring back cement. I understand he’ll be finished writing it in two weeks.

hey, guess who else is back.

“… these people from insane asylums and it drives them crazy. Hannibal Lecter. the late, great Hannibal Lecter would like to have you for dinner. he wants you for dinner. that’s the end of you, by the way.”

ok — stop the presses. it looks like a twitterer who calls themself J6 Plaque has cracked the code.

“Is it possible TFG straight doesn’t know that “asylum” has two meanings?

Could explain why he thinks political prisoners claiming asylum from Venezuela are being emptied out of insane asylums…”

fuck yes — this make perfect sense to me. Donny hears that migrants at the border are seeking asylum and his worm-gnawed cortex vomits up “asylum … insane people … Hannibal Lecter!”

remember Occam’s Razor, the principle that the most likely solution is the simplest one?

I’m going to propose that we add a new razor — J6 Plaque’s Razor: any explanation that hinges on Donny being an ignorant moron is the correct one.

now hold on to your hats, ladies and gents, because here comes the crowning moment of batshit insanity. get ready for Commander Crazypants to go on a two-minute-and-eleven-second incoherent ramble about boats and batteries and sharks that has to be heard to be believed.

“we have to make that into a battery. but the bigger problem is sir, it won’t float because it’s so— it won’t float, it won’t float. and I always tell the, the story with like, well, what would you do? ‘cause you know, my uncle was a great professor at MIT for 41 years. I think he’s the longest serving — doctor John Trump, she knows — he was very smart. we have a very smart family actually, but he was a great guy and I always thought I was very interested in this. but the press kills me all the time. they say he keeps talking about sharks and this. I don’t, I tell an analogy. if I’m in a boat, it’s all electric and it starts to sink. I asked the guy, do you get electrocuted sitting over this? and then I say, and I don’t think there's anything wrong with this, do you? because it’s an analogy. I say, and if there’s a shark about 10 yards away right where they are, right where all the Congressmen are right over there, look at those— well they’re sharks, they’re sharks. if there’s a shark about 10 yards away, do I get electrocuted or do I go with the shark? I said, because I will take electrocution all day long. despite the environmentalists that say how wonderful sharks are, you ever hear of these people? we had three killings by a shark this weekend, rip people apart and then you have the environmentalists going well they didn’t mean to do it, they really— they mistook them for a seal. they didn't want to hurt the child. no, I don’t want that. common sense, right? how about they catch a shark vicious that they’ve been after? and they take him to a little deeper water and they put him back in. I wouldn’t do that. would anybody do that here? let me ask you, this is Michigan. these guys wouldn't do it, but they always get on me. they say, why is he talking about electricity and sharks? what are they? well, they know exactly. it’s sort of a cute little story. do I take electrocution or do I take death by a shark? and I’ll always take electrocution.”

Jesus Fucking Christ, this story gets loonier with each retelling. but whatever you don’t, don’t laugh at the clown.

“they laughed at me. I hate when people laugh at me. I hate it. so disrespectful.”

don’t laugh at Donny’s ludicrous comb-over, either.

“you know, I have to just interject, ’cause I don’t want this— see that screen up there of me? that’s very severe, that comb-over.”

free clue for Donny: listen up — there is no possible camera angle where that fucked-up rat’s nest on top of your head isn’t going to look like a piss-stained badger pelt.

but I will give Donny points for admitting he’s been combing that shit all the way over.

now let’s focus on the deadly serious and scary bits, because Donny isn’t just saying the quiet part out loud — he’s shouting it into a microphone in front of thousands of people.

here’s where Donny goes full authoritarian.

“they’re all smart, tough. they love their country or they want to do well with their country, whatever it is, there’s all ideology. but we have to have somebody that can protect us. and Orban was right, we have to have somebody that can protect us.”

never forget that Donny’s vision for America is to take our fragile democracy and shred it until it’s an Orban-Erdogan-Putin-style kleptocracy, with Donny permanently installed as King Fuckface the First.

and to make it happen, he’s going to give the kleptocrats exactly what they want — kleptocrats like the Space Nazi. Elon is now giving Donny $45 million a month, so Donny’s gonna make sure that life “good” for him.

“we have to make life good for our smart people, and he’s as smart as you get. but Elon endorsed me the other day and I read — I didn’t even know this, he didn’t tell me about it — but he gives me $45 million a month.”

“I didn’t even know this.” yeah, sure.

get ready for a massive drain on the US Treasury via a giveaway to the corporate fat-cats.

“we gave you already the largest tax cut in the history of our country, larger than the Reagan cuts, but now we will give you an additional tax cut, a number of tax cuts.”

here it is, spelled out in black and white. this is why gazillionaires like Peter Thiel — who has literally said “I no longer believe that freedom and democracy are compatible” — and the Space Nazi are jamming hundreds of millions of dollars into Donny’s pockets. Donny’s gonna give ‘em all a free ride, while the rest of us see our taxes jacked sky-high pay for it.

the German industrialists who financed Adolf Hitler in the 1930s were eventually forced to reap what they sowed, because they couldn’t foresee what was coming.

today, the oligarchs backing Shitty Hitler have planned ahead. they could give a fuck about what happens to democracy in America. they’ve secured own private compounds in places like New Zealand. once shit goes sideways, they’ll be all fuckity-bye, suckers and go live their best lives elsewhere.

it’s the rest of us who will be forced to endure the coming shit-storm.

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but don’t despair and don’t give up. none of this is preordained, and none of this has to happen. we just have to back Joe Biden — or whoever ends up being the Democratic candidate — and get out and vote. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but never forget that we outnumber the crazies.

we can do this. we have to do this.