Donald Trump is super fucking bad at criming and super fucking good at getting caught

a brief history of fucking up

in 1973, Donald Trump and his tyrant Klansman father cooked up a super-racist scheme to prevent black people from renting apartments in their ugly buildings. they got caught.

all through the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s, Donald Trump would phone reporters, pretending to be his own public relations agent, and brag about how much sex Donald Trump was getting. he wouldn’t even bother to disguise his own stupid voice. he got caught.

in the mid-1990s, Donald Trump followed E. Jean Carroll into a dressing room in the Bergdorf Goodman department store and sexually assaulted her. he got caught.

in 2005, Donald Trump opened Trump University. he promised to teach people how to become rich in the real estate business. what he actually did was separate the gullible from their money. he got caught.

from 2011 to 2021, Donald Trump lied to banks, insurers and the IRS and submitted fraudulent documents misstating the values of his various properties. he got caught.

in 2015, Donald Trump falsified business records in order to hide hush money payments to Stormi Daniels. he got caught.

in 2016, Donald Trump held a fundraiser for veterans. of the $2.8 million raised, 100% of the money went straight into Donald Trump’s pocket. he got caught.

in 2018, Donald Trump, along with Individual-1 Junior, Ivanka, and The Dumb One, diverted money raised by the Trump Foundation in the name of various charities straight into their own pockets. they got caught.

in 2019, Donald Trump defamed his sexual assault victim E. Jean Carroll. he got caught.

in 2019, Donald Trump phoned Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy and threated to withhold military aid to Ukraine unless Zelenskyy agreed to announce an imaginary investigation into Joe Biden’s imaginary crimes. he got caught.

in 2020, Donald Trump stole boxes of classified documents, hid them, pawed through them, moved them, ignored a subpoena asking him nicely to return them, stashed them in the shitter of his vermin-infested Florida golf motel, and waved them in the faces of randos at his tacky New Jersey ex-wife cemetery. he got caught.

in 2020, Donald Trump and his cronies came up with a scheme to overturn the results of the 2020 election by creating slates of fake electors to submit falsified electoral certificates in various states. they got caught.

in 2021, Donald Trump phoned Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger and tried to coerce him into committing election fraud by “finding” 11,780 nonexistent votes. he got caught.

in 2021, Donald Trump sent an armed mob to the Capitol Building in order to disrupt the certification of the 2020 election. he got caught.

in 2021, Donald Trump coerced his butler and his pool boy into destroying incriminating security footage that showed Trump and his flunkies mishandling stolen classified documents. they were too incompetent get the job done, but they still got caught.

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holy shit, I’m exhausted just from typing that all out. and these are just the crimes we know about — and this list doesn’t even begin to address the torrent of immoral and unethical bullshit that somehow managed nonetheless to stay within the law.

like many of you, I’ve been frustrated that such an inept bozo of a crook — and his army of corrupt cronies — could do so much damage to this country and still escape serious consequences for literally decades of flagrant in-your-face criming.

but all that is finally beginning to change.

Donald Trump, you fluorescent tangerine jackass, after a lifetime of of fucking around, welcome to finding out.

Jack Smith, Fani Willis, Letitia James, Alvin Bragg, the January 6th Select Committee, et al, a grateful America thanks you for your service.