did Donald Trump do some stock market fuckery, or what?

just what exactly happened?

imagine, if you will, that you were a greedy amoral president, looking to profit off the enormous power you wield. here’s a fun thing you could do:

you could impose ruinous policies that would send the markets straight into the shitter. then, you and your cronies could buy stocks on the cheap — after which, you would then announce that those policies were going fuckity-bye.

the markets would go through the roof on that news. you and pals could cash out and score a fortune — and nobody could prove a thing.

it’s a good thing that tomfuckery like that doesn’t occur in real life, isn’t it?

or does it?

“THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!!! DJT”

that’s what Donny posted to his piece of shit app, seven minutes after the markets opened yesterday. you could dismiss it as more rah rah bluffoonery from a deteriorating rodeo clown in deep denial about his reckless tariffs. but then, four hours later — more than enough time for anyone with advance knowledge to do a little buying — this happened.

“based on the fact that more than 75 Countries have called Representatives of the United States, including the Departments of Commerce, Treasury, and the USTR, to negotiate … I have authorized a 90 day PAUSE.”

you’ll never guess what happened next. within minutes, the Dow shot up over 2,000 points — and kept rising throughout the day.

anyone who knew exactly when to buy would have made — excuse me for using a technical financial term here — a fuckton of moolah.

according to @Strxwmxn on not-twitter, at least one person did exactly that, turning, in a matter of seconds, a $2.1 million profit on a $100k investment.

A $100K bet turned into $2.1 million in minutes. That green spike before the jump is not luck. It’s foreknowledge. Someone knew exactly what was about to happen.

is it possible that Donny’s cronies had foreknowledge of the pause in tariffs? of course it’s possible. does Dear Leader shit into an adult diaper?

because Donny is a dipshit who can’t stop running his reckless mouth, he might have said the quiet part out loud here.

“this is Charles Schwab. not the company, it’s actually the person. he made two and a half billion today.”

Donny’s boastful blithering, of course, isn’t proof of any wrongdoing. but Adam Schiff smells a rat — a big, orange demented rat with a fucked-up fright wig — and he wants answers.

reporter: “with this market fluctuation, are you concerned that there could be members of the White House who are benefiting from it?”

Schiff: “absolutely. I’m writing to the White House to demand who knew in advance that the president was once again going to flip flop on tariffs. and, are people cashing in? there is just all to much opportunity for people in the White House and in the administration to be insider trading, and you can’t put it past them for a minute. so, we’re going to try to find out.”

it’s great that Schiff is speaking out, but good luck getting Team Donny to respond to whatever he wrote to them. as my father would have said, demand answers from Donny’s White House into one hand, and shit into the other, and see which one fills up first.

ok, but what about the Securities and Exchange Commission? investigating financial fuckery is their whole deal.

well, good luck getting anyone at the SEC to even answer the phone. Elon and his horde of pimply incels already hollowed the SEC out. isn’t that convenient?

Departures from the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, including by senior staff and enforcement lawyers, could significantly hamper the watchdog’s efforts to police markets and protect investors, the sources said.

significantly hamper, is that bad?

so good luck getting Donny’s own federal government to look into anything.

forget about Congress, too. Comer Fudd and Marjorie Sporkbrain ain’t gonna investigate anything that doesn’t involve Hunter Biden’s freakishly ginormous trouser trout.

Sporky, by the way, has been on a bit of a stock-buying spree of her own, so don’t look for her to be investigating herself.

forget about Holy Mike Johnson. that worthless wimp is continuing his unbroken streak of feckless limp-dickery and ass-kissery.

“Behold the ‘Art of the Deal.’ President Trump has created leverage, brought MANY countries to the table, and will deliver for American workers, American manufacturers, and America’s future!”

behold the art of the deal? the art of what fucking deal?

strip away all the accusations of insider trading, and the most charitable explanation of what occurred yesterday is that Donny simply panicked. he’s an arsonist who set a house on fire, went oh fuck what have I done, and doused the flames — and now the cultists are praising Dear Leader to high heaven because the house only got halfway burned.

there was no deal. in fact, NBC News went looking for the list of those “75 countries” that Donny had claimed had been begging to negotiate, and came back with a handful of nothing.

“New on @MSNBC: The White House will not release the list of 75 countries that have reached out on trade deals, despite requests from NBC News.”

NBC News might well have asked ‘are those 75 countries in the room with us right now,’ because Donny just made that shit up.

nonetheless, ‘the art of the deal’ was the catchphrase endlessly spewed by Team Donny — and the entire Republican Party — to explain that Donny has a big brain and all you stupids are too dumb to comprehend it.

Karoline Leavitt: “many of you in the media clearly missed the art of the deal and clearly failed to see what president trump is doing here.”

yeah, no.

speaking of the Art of the Deal, here’s a fun fact about that book: Donny didn’t write it. the illiterate old fuck probably hasn’t even read it.

the Art of the Deal was ghost-written by Tony Schwartz, an actual writer who followed Donny around with a tape recorder for a year and a half — and then gamely translated his nonsensical, narcissistic ravings into coherent English.

here’s what Schwartz had to say to the New Yorker in 2016.

“I put lipstick on a pig,” he said. “I feel a deep sense of remorse that I contributed to presenting Trump in a way that brought him wider attention and made him more appealing than he is.” He went on, “I genuinely believe that if Trump wins and gets the nuclear codes there is an excellent possibility it will lead to the end of civilization.”

If he were writing “The Art of the Deal” today, Schwartz said, it would be a very different book with a very different title. Asked what he would call it, he answered, “The Sociopath.”

and by the way, Donny has a decades-long history of market manipulation.

During the 1980s, Donald Trump became notorious for leaking word that he was taking positions in stocks, hinting of a possible takeover, and then either selling on the run-up or trying to extract lucrative concessions from the target company to make him go away. It was a form of stock manipulation with an unsavory label: “greenmailing.” The Times unearthed evidence that Mr. Trump enlisted his father as his greenmailing wingman.

On Jan. 26, 1989, Fred Trump bought 8,600 shares of Time Inc. for $934,854, his tax returns show. Seven days later, Dan Dorfman, a financial columnist known to be chatty with Donald Trump, broke the news that the younger Trump had “taken a sizable stake” in Time. Sure enough, Time’s shares jumped, allowing Fred Trump to make a $41,614 profit in two weeks.

meanwhile, more and more Democrats are looking for answers. here’s Conneticut Senator Chris Murphy.

“an insider trading scandal is brewing. Trump’s 9:30am tweet makes it clear he was eager for his people to make money off the private info only he knew. so who knew ahead of time and how much money did they make?”

so, what exactly went on yesterday? was insider trading the motivation for all of Donny’s machinations? or is Donny just a bumbling fucking imbecile who makes one impulsive blunder after another?

wait — what if it’s both?

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let’s go out on a high note. look how completely fucking toxic the Space Nazi has become.

recent polling proves what we’ve all been saying for a long time: the more people know about the Space Nazi, the more they hate him.

please, Elon, we’re begging you — please get involved in more Republican campaigns.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.