day one at the DNC — and more scenes from the Great Republican Nervous Breakdown
part two of an ongoing series
yesterday was the first day of the Democratic National Convention in Chicago — and it coincided with every Republican immediately running out of cope. all eyes are on the Dems this week — and in response, every member of the GOP is somehow managing to simultaneously fail, flail, founder and flounder.
let us mock these malevolent morons mercilessly.
Donny Convict has a cunning plan: he’s going to draw attention away from the DNC by doing his own daily on-camera rantings and ravings.
it’s a plan that’s so fucking crazy, it just might — nah, it’s not gonna work. not unless Donny can magically stop being an incoherent, low-energy dumpster fire.
“we’re gonna bring up electronics, too. electronics. we buy everything away. when you see the sophistication of the product I just saw at this place. electronics is peanuts by comparison.”
that was Donny, mumbling and bumbling yesterday at the Precision Custom Components factory in York, PA. so, how did it go?
Midway through the speech before a small group of perhaps a couple of hundred invited guests and employees packed into the cavernous, yet steamy machine shop, he appeared to lose the crowd. People in the audience responded to his applause lines politely. At the 40-minute mark of his talk, those in the crowd appeared bored. Some were chatting amongst themselves. Others were staring at their phones.
oh dear.
all Donny is doing right now is embarrassing himself. and look at this dilapidated old dipshit.
what the fuck is going on with Donny’s eye? he’s in no condition to campaign, and he’s certainly in no condition to president.
also, is Donny’s hair … dissolving?
Comer Fudd’s got a cunning plan, too. Congress has been on vacation this month, but Jimmy took a little time off from hog-romancin’ his way through the hills and hollers of Kentucky to pop up on Fox News and share his latest swampy fever dream.
“it’s very serious. China thinks long-term. it’s very possible that China would be grooming an up-and-coming rising star in the political process to try to have a foothold in our government.”
oh joy. it’s nice to know that when House Republicans return from their summer recess, Hog Romancin’ Jimmy’s gonna waste the entire country’s time on getting to the bottom of this whole Tim Walz is a Communist Chinese sleeper agent thing. I can’t wait. those hearings are going to be a fucking shit-show.
Wisconsin’s own useless pantload, Ron Johnson, is also climbing aboard the Tim Walz, Commie spy bandwagon — and he’s brought receipts.
“he got married on the anniversary of Tiananmen Square.”
well there’s all the proof you need, right there: Tim Walz got married on a day. it’s game fucking over for Tim. let’s just ship him off to Gitmo now, no need for a trial.
seriously, where does the Republican Party find these people? do you have to check your brain at the door when you register as a candidate — or is the GOP only for people born without one?
oh, and Ron — speaking of dates, remember when you took your own little jaunt to Moscow on July 4th? because patriotism, I’m guessing.
animatronic garden gnome Charlie Kirk actually showed up inside the arena at the Dem convention and was immediately owned by Parker Short, president of the Young Democrats of Georgia.
Parker: “we had a Republican governor and a Republican secretary of state of Georgia that proved our elections. Donald Trump said that wasn’t constitutional. Donald Trump tried to undermine our constitution.”
Kirk: “I just walked in. I’m here to just learn.”
Parker: “hey. you’re an anti-patriotic, anti-constitutional person crashing our party.”
now here’s the crowning moment of awesome. wingnuts have a gotcha game they like to play. they’ll ask “what’s a woman?” watch as Parker demonstrates why ridicule is the only correct response.
Kirk: “I’ve got one question. what is a woman?”
Parker: “oh my god. that is so fucking weird, y’all. maybe you should meet one.”
someone’s going to have to explain to me what even this is.
“one day you’re a college Democrat, the next day, you’re getting a vasectomy in a van down by the Chicago River.”
huh? the Fox News crawl at the bottom reads “free abortions and vasectomies at DNC” — and so I just had to google it. sure enough:
The Planned Parenthood Great Rivers shared on X, formerly known as Twitter, that its mobile health clinic will be parked in the city’s West Loop — mere minutes from the DNC’s venue, the United Center — to provide “FREE vasectomies & medication abortion” on Monday and Tuesday. Medication abortion is also known as the abortion pill.
OH MY GOD.
welcome to life in Kamala and Tim’s hellish dystopia, where healthcare is free.
get ready to read the dumbest bit of legal advice you’ve going to see this week.
“Dear Media and Other Democrat Operatives: Fair warning: Calling Trump a ‘convicted felon’ is defamatory. You may get sued.”
dear Mike:
convicted felon Donald Trump has been convicted of thirty-four felonies, which makes him a convicted felon.
come at me, bro.
Megyn Kelly is cordially invited to fuck all the way off.
“Laphonza Butler spkg - (she filled Feinstein’s seat) - celebrating that she and Harris both graduated from historically black colleges. Imagine the white person up there: I’m proud to tell you I went to a mostly white university!”
Megyn, you privileged ninny, do you have any idea why black colleges are a thing?
here — check out this letter, dated August 5, 1959, from the Director of Admission of Emory University, to an applicant.
Mr. Marion Gerald Hood
607 Pool Road,
Apt. #1 Griffin, GeorgiaDear Mr. Hood:
Acknowledgment is made of your letter of July 30, enclosing your application for admission to our School of Medicine.
I am sorry I met write you that we are not authorized to consider for admission a member of the Negro race.
I regret that we cannot help you.
Yours very truly,
L. L. Clegg Director of AdmissionsLLC: Ow
P.S. I am returning herewith your $5.00 application fee.
and now, just a few highlights from yesterday at the DNC.
Jasmine Crockett is a boss.
“America, looking at the two choices before you, who would you hire? Donald Trump, or Kamala Harris? Kamala Harris has a resume. Donald Trump has a rap sheet.”
AOC is also a boss.
“I, for one, am tired of hearing about how a two-bit union buster thinks of himself as more of a patriot than the woman who fights every single day to lift working people out from under the boots of greed, trampling on our way of life.”
how great is it to hear the crowd spontaneously break into a chant of LOCK HIM UP during Hillary Clinton’s speech?
Hillary: “Donald Trump fell asleep at his own trial. and when he woke up, he made his own kind of history: the first person to run for president with thirty-four felony convictions.”
crowd: “LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!”
here are the final four minutes from Joe Biden’s speech.
“America, I gave my best to you. I made a lot of mistakes in my career. but I gave my best to you.”
oh, Donny — in case you’re somehow reading this and you’ve forgotten what a packed arena looks like, here you go:
and, finally, isn’t is nice to see a president who doesn’t want to hang his vice president?
imagine if the media had gotten their way, and instead of this awesome unity, we had a brokered shit-show of a convention. ugh
I was in tears at the long, loud ovation for Joe. And what a wonderful speech he gave. We were lucky to have him as our president, and the best way we can thank him is by electing Kamala and Tim.