Captain Crazypants says Iran gave him a ‘prize,’ and it’s definitely in the room with us right now

how fucking stupid is this?

as Donald Rumsfeld so wisely counseled us during the Great Iraqi Bed-Shit twenty years ago, sometimes you go to war with the deteriorating dumbfuck president you have, not the deteriorating dumbfuck president you want.

seriously, this is stupidest don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war ever. here’s a bone-crushingly moronic thing Preznit Fuckwit actually said yesterday.

“they’re gonna make a deal. they’re gonna make a deal. they did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. they— gave us a present, and the present arrived today. it was a very— big present worth a tremendous amount of money. and, I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but, uh, it was a very significant— uh— uh— prize.”

what in the small-batch artisanal fuck is Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants blithering about?

Iran gave Donny a prize? sure they did. it’s called the Four Ayatollahs Total Landscaping Peace Prize, and it’s definitely in the room with us right now.

come on, Donny. for once in your stupid life, level with the American people. was this ‘present’ from Iran a big wooden rabbit on wheels?

Donny, you ass-clown. you just fell for the oldest trick in the book. get rid of that thing, pronto. trust me, just throw it off the roof of the White House.

this is the level of idiocy we’re dealing with: Dear Leader farts out the most patently obvious fever-swamp fairy tale, and MAGA gobbles that shit down with a spoon.

yum yum yum! please, sir, may I have some more?

okay, let’s do an impossibly unlikely thing right now, and actually take Donny seriously for a moment. maybe Iran really did give him a ‘present.’ what could it have been?

there were those in the press who speculated that Donny might be speaking metaphorically — and everyone’s best guess seemed to point to a sketchy report of an oil tanker that had been allowed to cross the Strait of Hormuz yesterday without getting blown to shit. but as Cameron Adams reported in the Daily Beast, that report turned out to be a big ball of Never Happened.

Suggestions that Trump may have been referencing the Omega Trader, a supertanker carrying 2 million barrels of Iraqi crude oil, were downplayed by Bloomberg after reports that it had successfully crossed the Strait.

Its manager told Bloomberg that while the ship’s signal appeared to show it had reached Mumbai, none of the company’s vessels had actually made the crossing.

The publication highlighted signal jamming during the war, which has affected vessel tracking in and around the Strait.

so once again, Donny’s taken a debunked rumor and turned it into some cockamamie story about ‘look how well this war is going, that Iranians have given me a present, a big, strong present that few thought possible. maybe the greatest present of all time.’

yeah, that’s exactly what you want in a Commander-in-Chief: a doddering old dolt who believes what he wants to believe, based on the flimsiest of misinformation.

what could possibly go wrong?

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oh look, the Washington Post wants to play a round of ‘Easy Questions, Easy Answers.’

the obvious answer is ‘fuck no. of course no one warned Donny.’

why does the WaPo even bother asking such a dumb question? who do they imagine is going to stand up to Dear Leader and tell him he’s shitting the bed in Iran? Liddle Marco? oh please. that coward is so neutered that he won’t even tell Donny that the shitty shoes he gave him don’t fit.

the Fox News dunk-tank clown? fuhgeddaboudit. that’s never going to happen. this piss-drunk psychopath is too busy having the time of his life.

“of the air campaign that we’ve conducted, that Israel’s conducted alongside us, was one for the history books, truly. and that’s because we have a president of the United States that when he sends his warfighters out to fight, he unties their hands to actually go out and and destroy the enemy as viciously as possible, from moment one. that’s why we see ourselves as part of this negotiation as well. we negotiate with bombs.”

‘we negotiate with bombs’ — what kind of sick fuck talks like this?

this is all a huge game to Piss-Drunk Pete. he can barely contain his adolescent excitement at being allowed to blow shit up.

yeah, bro! I’ll bet all those murdered Iranian schoolgirls really loved how Pete negotiated with bombs.

nobody should be this aggressively gleeful about causing death and destruction — certainly not someone who has been given the solemn responsibility of waging a don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war. innocent people died so that this pickled-in-vodka maniac could get his rocks off. something is seriously broken inside Piss-Drunk Pete. this unhinged shit-kazoo shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the Pentagon. he belongs instead on a psychiatrist’s couch — and he should be forced to stay there until somebody figures out just what the fuck is wrong with him.

oh, and Donny? could you please manage to stay awake while your lunatic bomb-dropping Secretary of Death is speaking?

now it’s my turn to ask a question: what is Bret Stephens smoking, and can I have some? because he seems higher than a fucking kite right now.

what are we even doing here, New York Times?

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after all that, we def need some good news to cheer us up — and oh boy, do we ever have some.

Democrats on Tuesday flipped a Florida legislative district that includes President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, pulling off another upset in a state house election but this time one with obvious symbolic power.

Emily Gregory, a first-time candidate with a public health background, became the latest Democrat to win a special election and claim a statehouse seat previously held by a Republican.

Democrat Emily Gregory flipped a seat that had been held by Republican John Maples (on edit: Mike Caruso) in a district that Donny won by eleven points in 2024.

oh, and here’s the beauty part: Florida’s 87th — the district Emily Gregory just won — includes Preznit Fuckwit’s vermin-infested Motel-a-Lago.

now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter. ready?

Emily Gregory is just the latest in a long line of Democrats to have flipped deeply-red districts in special election after special election, going all the way back to last year. all signs point to the GOP going down in a merciless bloodbath this November.

oh sure, Republicans are going to try their best to fuck with the upcoming midterms. you can put money on it — but they’re ultimately going to lose. none of their fuckery is popular. Donny’s poll numbers are circling the drain right now, and he’s dragging his entire party down with him.

The latest Reuters/Ipsos poll has Trump’s approval rating on the economy sinking to 29%- a new low, worse than any economic approval rating Biden ever received.

let’s be clear-eyed: shit’s gonna continue to fucking suck from now until November. but please, I ask you — just tough out these next few months. hug your friends and family, and tell them you love them. the midterms will be here soon enough.

someday this war’s gonna end.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.