Captain Clownpants reshuffles the deck chairs on the Trumptanic

Mike’s out! no, he’s back in! and Marco gets yet another job

credit: Mike Peters

at Monday’s meeting of the Sewer Clowns, they did that thing where they go around the table, and everyone tries to outdo each other with over-the-top praise for Donny Two-Dolls.

here’s how National Security Advisor Mike Waltz played it.

“Mister President, in the last four years the world experienced a total lack of zero leadership under Biden, and then we’ve had a hundred days of your leadership, with respect, with strength, starting with ‘there will be all hell to pay if you don’t let our people go.’”

Mike should have kissed Dear Leader’s ass a lot harder, because — oh wait, did I just call Waltz the National Security Adviser? I meant to say former National Security Adviser.

yesterday, Donny took Mike Waltz out back and said look bro, you’re out of here — because someone has to take the fall for signalgate, and it sure as fuck isn’t going to be my homey Pete Kegstand. I’m going to need him around when shit goes sideways and protest needs to be crushed.

check this out: apparently Mike learned that his job had gone fuckity-bye when he was prevented from boarding Air Force One.

that’s just how Psychopath Donny rolls. he can’t just fire someone. he has do it in the most humiliating way possible.

to be sure, Mike Waltz deserved every bit of his shitcanning. he was less of a National Security Adviser and more of a National Security Total Fucking Nightmare. Mike’s the clueless dumbfuck who added Atlantic Editor Jeffrey Goldberg to that famous group chat where Piss-Drunk Pete texted out war plans.

and Mike just keep right on being a train wreck. check out this photo from Monday’s cabinet meeting.

that’s him down there in the lower right — and he’s playing with his phone.

look at that: in the middle of a cabinet meeting, Mike’s on a SIGNAL CHAT with Vance, Rubio, Gabbard and others.

Mike Waltz has failed sideways. he’s now Donny’s nominee to be US Ambassador to the United Nations — because Sewer Clowns rarely leave Donny’s orbit. he loves to recycle the same zany cast of characters as often as possible.

why buy all-new deck chairs for the Titanic, when you can just rearrange them to suit your latest whim?

speaking of recycling, you’ll never guess who Donny named as his Interim National Security Adviser. this guy. Liddel Marco.

they keep piling the jobs onto Rubio. every time someone gets eighty-sixed from government, Donny says give that shit to Marco. he’s too fucking terrified of me to say no.

for those of you keeping score at home, Marco Rubio is now Secretary of State, Interim National Security Adviser, the Acting Administrator of USAID, and Acting Archivist of the United States.

but that’s the grim reality of life under Trumpanomics — you only get two dolls, but you need four jobs to pay for them.

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who thought this was a good idea? for some reason, they’re now letting Nosferatu McGoebbels out of his coffin and setting him free to do his vampiric thing in the White House Press Room.

why? Stephen Miller is the most unpleasant, terrifying and unhinged member of the Sewer Clowns. imagine being a reporter and having to endure Undead Stephen fixing those soul-less eyes on you as he non-answers your question.

“children will be taught to love America. children will be taught to be patriots. children will be taught civic values for schools that want federal taxpayer funding. so as we close the Dept of Education and provide funding to states, we’re going to make sure these funds are not being used to promote communist ideology.”

I’m loving this idea! let’s indoctrinate all of America’s children. let’s teach them to blindly love their leader, and to never question any of his infallible words.

hey, you know who else indoctrinated their children to blindly love their leader? of course you totally fucking do.

the Nazis even gave the Hitler Youth snazzy uniforms.

come on, Stephen. take some initiative. where are our uniformed children? how come they don’t have a cool name?

here you go: trumpenjungen.

it took me ten seconds to think that up. do I really have to do everything around here?

Obergruppenführer Miller also waded into the dollgate controversy.

reporter: “the president himself acknowledged that on toys, you may end up paying — on dolls, he was referring to — you may end up paying a little bit more right now. so in terms of—”

Miller: “he was making the point that I think almost every American consumer agrees with, if they had a choice between a — and I’m a parent of young children — a choice between a doll from China that might have, say, lead paint on it, that is not as well-constructed as a doll made in America, that has a higher environmental and regulatory standard, and is made to a higher degree of quality, and those two products are both on Amazon, that yes, you would probably be willing to pay more for a better American-made product.”

come the fuck on, you cheap dime-store vampire — stop gaslighting us. Donny said none of that shit, so stop shoving your own words into his rancid anus-mouth. what Donny said was to be happy with less.

why the fuck is Nosferatu gibbering about — “a higher environmental and regulatory standard”? is he not aware that the Space Nazis’s squadron of flying monkey incels have zeroed out the budgets of every regulatory agency, and sent their inspectors all packing? American factories could literally be painting their dolls with arsenic right now — there’s no one left in government to say boo about it.

I’m so old, I can remember when Donny campaigned on bringing prices down on Day One. but giving stump speeches is easy. actually following through is hard. so rather than do anything that would benefit consumers, Donny’s moved the goal posts. fuck lower prices — you don’t need any of that shit anyway. it’s your patriotic duty to be broke all the time.

you only get two dolls.

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here’s your crowning moment of Peak Batshit.

Mad King Donny proclaimed yesterday to be a National Day of Prayer, and no national day of anything would be complete without Donny finding a camera to stand in front of so he could praise himself.

“imams, who I got to know in Michigan. I love them they were great, by the way. they said ‘we don’t want to die.’ I said ‘you want to die?’ they said ‘we don’t want to die.’ I said ‘what about the 38 virgins?’ they say ‘that’s nonsense, we don’t know anything about it,’ and we won the state of Michigan by a tremendous, we had tremendous support.”

this clip hits a perfect Trumpian Trifecta:
— it’s crazy. who talks like this?
— it’s inappropriate. virgins? why are he telling an anecdote about virgins at a National Day of Prayer ceremony?
— and Donny makes it all about himself — ‘I won Michigan.’

I honestly believe this story is true. I fully believe that this boorish numbskull would sit down with religious leaders and the first thing out of his mouth would be tell me about the virgins in heaven. are they hot?

but wait, what’s with the 38 virgins? I thought it was 72. what happened to the other 34 virgins?

wait, is this because virgins are scarcer now, due to our trade war with China?

you only get two dolls, and you only get 38 virgins.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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