Kamala Harris and Tim Walz — fuck yeah, let’s do this

now let’s go kick some Republican ass at the polls this November

it’s official.

Kamala Harris names Tim Walz, the Minnesota governor, as running mate

Decision ends intense speculation over which candidate Harris would pick to go up against Donald Trump

Kamala Harris, the de facto Democratic nominee for US president, has named Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, as her running mate ahead of the November election.

this is very good. Tim Walz is awesome at messaging. he’s the dude who came up with the whole Republicans are weird thing.

hey everyone! Kamala Harris jumped the on gun me this morning — below is the piece I was in the middle of writing and had hoped to finish before she announced her pick.

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the press needs you to be mad at Kamala. don’t you dare fall for it

the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media are like a pack of rabid junkies right now, desperately searching for a fix. they need that sweet, sweet high of Democrats in disarray — and they’ll do anything to get it.

let’s get Joe Biden out of the race, they all said. think of the chaos! and so they ran a million pieces about how Joe Biden is old and icky and no one likes him any more.

everyone hates Kamala Harris! let’s call for an open convention! a thousand rounds of balloting! it will be a days-long shit-show — and it will be glorious!

no, wait — a blitz primary, someone shouted. a cockamamie clusterfuck where Obama and Bill Clinton pick candidates and then Taylor Swift will oversee the balloting! oh my god, it will be a nuclear meltdown!

in the end, of course, the press got none of that shit. Dark Brandon masterminded a peaceful exit from the race and convinced the entire Democratic Party to line up behind Kamala.

the media was apoplectic. no! nooooooo! they wailed. you’re not doing it right!

today, Kamala’s going to pick her veep. the hungry jackals of the press want you to get all worked up into a Big Mad about whoever she chooses. it’s their last best hope for disarray.

don’t you dare give it to them.

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ok, that’s as far as I has gotten when the news came down.

here, have a picture of Tim Walz holding a piglet. it’s more fun than listening to me drone on about how much we need to all stand together right now.

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Little Donny Fuckface has a new fun thing he’s decided to call Kamala.

Kamabla?

don’t ask me — I have no idea what goes on inside Donny’s deteriorating brain.

no one can figure it out.

but if I had to guess, I’d conclude that Donny intends this to be some kind of racial slur — because, as always, racists gonna racist.

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there was a Comedians for Kamala fundraising call last night, and participants got to enjoy Nick Offerman’s brilliant parody of Lee Greenwood’s insipid ode to fake patriotism, Proud to be an American.

“…when he mocked the disabled and war heroes, I looked the other way.
he said to march on the Capitol, well, if the president says it’s ok.
and I don’t mind sex with porn stars, I’d do too it if I had the guts.
but when it comes to fucking the furniture, that’s just fucking nuts.

so I’m proud to be a Kamala man who has quit the GOP,
’cause I just can’t abide a man who’s tried for thirty-four felonies.
and it’s time to stand up and face the facts,
that the men that I once cheered,
are a bunch of wingnut white nationalists,
and those guys are fucking weird”

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okay, I’m stoked. Harris-Walz. now let’s go kick some Republican ass at the polls this November.